Sunday, 31 January 2010

Having Amelieless weekend. 2nd since she was born. Is lovely but I miss her lots and is sooooo quiet without her. Keep
wanting to phone Mum & Dad but am disciplining myself.

Federer wins against Murray at the Aussie Open. Quelle surprise. We are doomed never to win against the Big Boys yet we watch forever in anticipation.

More snow here today but we are determined to go out and enjoy being temporarily child free to the fullest. Thanks Mum & Dad. Love you!

Friday, 29 January 2010

Been really tired today. Up all day for the first time in a week dealing with a demanding baby girl. She's very spirited but some days you just don't feel like you've got enough energy to feel like crap AND deal with a baby. Even when they are your own.

Anyway, I can't believe she's nearly 8 months old. The time is going so fast. Sometimes I feel guilty because I think about my future and my need to work and get out there for my sake yet I know each time I dwell on that, I miss a little bit of the first year of her life. I read somewhere that it is now strongly advised that new mothers really ought to dedicate spending the first year of life with their baby as it significantly
strengthens bonding. I do recognise that sentiment and think I will regret it if I don't. However I also feel like I have never felt so grounded and contented with my personal life that I can finally afford to lend my working life some genuine attention and energy, something I have been desperate but never really in a position to do since I was injured in 1998. We will see what life unveils. The most important thing is that i am the best mother I can be. How I go about achieving that yet remains
to be seen.

Thursday, 28 January 2010

Ian has interview for new contract tomorrow, fingers crossed. He's still working 1 day a week for MAC but 1 day a week doesn't pay the mortgage, even at contractor rates. Anyway, simultaneously I have just discovered that my PA/Amelie's physical help has 4 weeks holiday outstanding which need to be taken by end of March and I currently have no cover back up plan. I am putting this down to a few things: 1. Constantly being waylaid by a 7 month old baby; 2. Trying to avoid going through the whole rigmaroll of employing someone new to help as a cover person and trying to convey the ins and outs of spinal injury, disabled parenting without them thinking I'm some freak on wheels and them realising that, actually, is not as way out as people may perceive; 3. Actually not wanting to go through the whole palava only to finally establish that I really don't like them and they are a freak (just without the wheels!) 4. Not wanting to open my family up to vulnerability, knowing it takes a while to get to know someone and that the majority of references don't mean much when you are letting them in to your home, your marriage, your personal and your brand new gorgeous baby girl's life.

I just have to get on and sort it out though and ignore all those significant feelings of uncertainty. Never mind building bloody robots to help people do things, why don't these clever people just try cutting out the middle man/robot and concentrate on helping the people THEMSELVES? Amazing what's staring you in the face when you just take a step back and have a look.

Wednesday, 27 January 2010

There's a case going on at the moment in the States where a tetraplegic mother is splitting up with her partner and he is filing for custody of their kids because he is claiming she is an unfit mother due to her disability. I told my Mum about the case and her response was 'you're ok, you're married'. Thanks. Not I believe you ARE fit to be a mother. Anyway, is sensitive issue. Channel 5 asked me to appear in their newsclip, showing disabled mothers can be just as good as any other mother but I only got asked on Friday and they filmed Mon. Good job I backed out anyway as I have a stinking, horrible cough and cold.

I do have mixed emotions about being a disabled Mum. I am sooooo happy to be Amelie's Mum. She is soooo sweet and funny and beautiful and I am so proud of her and I love her with all my heart. But I have to hire people to help me with the physical things because I can't put her down or change her nappy or change her position when I'm holding her and she's squirming. Do these things make me an unfit mother?

Sunday, 17 January 2010

Hurrah.......out the house twice in one weekend and don't just mean poking head out into back garden or going round block but proper fully fledged out and about ness. Hope tis the end of the snow. Took our daughter to her 1st art exhibition......we listened hard when they said 'start 'em young'. Turns out she was more interested in the lights than the paintings but hey ho, was therapeutic recapturing some of our former, childless activity.

Had another argument with Scruff about my thoughts on his Alpha parental role and the fact that I sometimes feel like he goes about things as if he were a single parent although he pointed out that I spend more time with her; feed her more often than not; choose what she wears; help her bath; carry her round in papousse when we're out and about. He, on the other hand, decides how many layers she has on when she goes out; to wash her dummy and then give the same one back to her after she's dropped it on the floor; he changes her nappy; he gets her dressed at the weekend. I know I really need to stop and concentrate on the things I can and do do for her and be grateful I have such a loving and understanding partner but that's really tough sometimes especially when I've got all the new motherly instincts/hormonal imbalances still to deal with. He doesn't really get that though, he's a man. A lovely one at that but something deep inside me nags away constantly saying all that, that's your job, you know that, why aren't you fighting harder?

Thursday, 14 January 2010

Seems Amelie has enough balance now that she can sit on my knee and I can hold her with one arm and push my chair with the other. Just practising really. Is nice to have that closeness and feel a bit more secure and confident that she has enough stability not to go flying straight off. Sometimes I get a bit envious when I see other people pick her up and kind of get all comfy with her like they've been there from day 1. After all, what mother wants to have her daughter passed to her because she can't pick her up herself? Anyway. Enough of that. Still haven't been out :-( Our road still slushy/icy and not good.

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

Been snowing more this morning. Bit dandruff like though so hopefully no threat of sticking. Good to know am not alone in being stuck in. Heard on radio that 800 schools in Wales have been closed again and a friend who lives locally and has 2 young children told me this morning that she went to all the effort of bundling her 2 up all warm just so she could go out, only to discover that 5 minutes after leaving the house her 2 year old was in floods of tears because he was freezing. Bless. Really hope we can get out by the weekend. At least we don't live in Haiti, hundreds of people have been killed there in the last 24 hours because of a massive earthquake. Extreme weather around the world!

Tuesday, 12 January 2010

Knackered at minute. Partly boredom of being snowed in with 7 month old teething baby also in throes of separation anxiety. Would take her out but snow and wheels not good combination, just keep spinning. Snow plus wheels=no go, snow + wheels+ baby=definite no go. So stuck in it is then. At least am up and about now, not like during pregnancy. She is lovely, but being able to go out with her presents a whole range of choices that just aren't there when faced with this kind of weather. Maybe they should start making snow chains for wheelchair tyres more available in this country??